I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
