Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
