I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
