P.S. I can't hear my feet
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Send help, water and tortillas.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
