im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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