Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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