I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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