Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
