I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
