i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
