I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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