I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
this is an emotional support booty call
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
