No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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