I'm going to jail i love you
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
