Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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