I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I need a burrito and a hug.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
