when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
please come you make the beer taste better
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
