Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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