note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
