I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
