Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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