I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
