you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
worst night to have a conscience
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
