i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
