I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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