Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I party with great urgency now.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
