It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
