A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
