Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
