How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
