i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Two words: nipple clamps
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