Farmville is her only friend.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
