Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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