I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
