Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
