i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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