wat bout pragnant strippers??
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
