I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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