Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
