Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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