i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
