I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
