Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Houston, we have a blender
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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