I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
