You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
