I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
