yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
