I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
