Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Dear god my vagina.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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