it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
