so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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