i permit you to call me
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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