When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Randomize
