I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
