I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
